


Heartless

by trololonasty



Category: Poldark (TV 2015)
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Gen, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-06 08:01:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16828456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trololonasty/pseuds/trololonasty
Summary: Caroline never cries.





	Heartless

From a very young age, Caroline is aware how a lady such as herself should behave. She is taught how to dance, how to dress, how to talk. She knows all about the latest fashion and is well-versed in the art of small talk and gossip. She is a perfect little doll and she makes her parents proud, but when they die, she learns to guard her heart without any outside help. From now on, she is capable enough to take care of herself, and if it means putting an impenetrable wall of charming smiles and biting words between her and the world, then so be it. When the time of their funeral comes, Caroline doesn't cry. 

The introduction of Dwight Enys into her life feels like a personal attack. She is appalled by the fact that she is enthralled by him. Despite having sworn to never give her heart to any man, let alone a local doctor who cares more about the poor than he does about himself, she can't help herself: he is unlike anyone she's ever met, and she is curious and likes to gamble, even when it is her heart that is at stake. He doesn't like her very much, she gathers, and though he has every right not to, she is distraught by the thought that he despises everything she stands for. Nevertheless, she persists with her course of action, not a bit changing her haughty attitude, not sweetening her sharp, cynical words, because if he can't tolerate her at her worst, he will never see her at her best – she will not let him past her icy facade of an arrogant, capricious heiress. If he truly believes that is all she is, he doesn't deserve any better. But of course he doesn't – it is so like Dr Enys to try and see the good in others, even those who behave in a way that doesn't suggest that there is still any hope for them. She aims to win him with gifts for his precious patients, but even though she manages to do that, she still can't compete with them – his first and utmost love. His profession is his passion, he was born to help those who are in need, and, knowing that she doesn't have it in her to be as selfless, she admires him for it. There is a tiny piece of her which is jealous, still, despite all his affections, and it makes all their shared moments together feel like they are living on borrowed time. When she realises he's chosen his patients over her, Caroline doesn't cry. 

It's dark and cold in the carriage on their way to Plymouth, which so very much reminds her of the night he didn't come. She pets Horace, an act so instinctive it has become a second nature to her and so soothing that it somewhat helps her to keep her composure, and engages in meaningless talks with Ross Poldark, whose matchmaking skills are apparently not in the least inferior to those of his well-meaning wife, but her mind tends to wander to the places unknown, and she is tormented by all the 'what if's and keeps wondering whether she is doing the right thing after all. Her heart knows better, of course, but it's been so long since she listened to it or even acknowledged its very existence that it is hard to follow it, not being sure where it will lead her to. The stake is the same as the last time but objectively higher; it comes with commitment she doubts she will excel at, yet she is resolute it is the only way she will ever have whatever slight chance at happiness, so it is the risk she is willing to take. The question plundering her mind, however, is he? Ross assures her that he is, that he will be delighted to see her, that he can't think about anything for she is invading his thoughts so violently and persistently, and she wants to believe that, she really does. For it most surely is true for her, and she doesn't suppose she could take the opposite – she thinks it would be too much for her proud, cruel heart she doesn't really have. But he is again too good to her – for her, – and she comes out of this predicament with her inexistent heart still in tact. When she sees him sailing away with a prospect she forbids herself even to think about, Caroline doesn't cry.

Caroline is spoiled and has always had all her wishes met and all her whims satisfied. She is used to taking, not so much giving, that is precisely why she can't provide the care her husband needs, why she doesn't understand what it is exactly that torments him day and night, what keeps him from smiling, sleeping, eating and – she swears, sometimes he is going so still – breathing. She is too proud, of course, too private, too self-assured to ask for advice. She is too second-guessing, too reserved, too scared to confront him. So she acts as if nothing is wrong, as if nothing has changed, but she can see that her approach is faulty for he seems to grow more and more distant, and every time she opens her mouth to distract him with some silly talk or other, he is not really there. She feels that he struggles to be in the same room with her, that she annoys him as only a child or a tremendously shallow-minded person can, and this time, unlike in the young days of their acquaintance, it is not her intention at all. She fears that he realised he has never truly loved her but is too much of a gentleman to let her know he regrets having wedded her. With her mind full of doubts and worries, she listens to his heart-to-heart conversation with Lieutenant Hugh Armitage, and Dwight's revelations are bringing her on the verge of despair. When she retrieves back to the house to comprehend what she has just heard, Caroline doesn't cry.

It is the first time in many years when Caroline believes she is at the mercy of fate's powerful, mysterious ways. She doesn't think she will make even a half-decent mother, but children are the inescapable outcome of marriage, and she's been preparing herself for that. Still, it has come too soon for her liking. Dwight's face lightens up every time he hears or talks about it, but Caroline can't help cringing at the thought; the prospect of motherhood frightens her, but even more so – the change it will inevitably bring. She has waited for her husband for so long, and she is not about to share him with yet another human being who will surely have his undivided attention at those rare instances when he is not preoccupied with his patients. She is too selfish for that, and she loves him too much. The pregnancy makes her restless. She suspects fatherhood was a dream he's never dared to hope would come true for he has always put Dr Enys before Dwight, the needs of many before his own. But her case is different. She's never wanted children. She is not sure she ever will. Too bad that the universe doesn't seem to care. When her daughter is born and her voice is heard loudly and clearly for the first time in her life, Caroline doesn't cry. 

Babies are wrinkled, possessive, demanding little creatures Caroline has nothing but disdain for; yet her own child seems to worm its way into her heart – or whereabouts for the lack of it, at the very least. She will never admit it, of course, but Dwight doesn't need her to – he has always seen right through her offhanded remarks intended to make her seem heartless and unattached. It baffles her sometimes that he understands her so well; she really thinks he mustn't, but she is so very grateful he does. And it seems that the abiding love she feels for him helps her to come to grips with her new reality and makes it easier to embrace the newest member of their small but – she dares to hope – happy family. She doubts she could have been able to love the child had she been married to anyone but her silly, darling Dr Enys. It is the thought that it's theirs – that they've created a life together – that makes it all bearable. Little Sarah brings Dwight joy, and for Caroline, as selfish as she is, that just might be enough to grow fond of her, to come to cherish her as he does. It takes time, surely, motherhood doesn't come to her naturally as it does to Demelza or Verity or Elizabeth or many others, but she tries to make the best of it, and it is really not that tedious after all, especially when the baby smiles and it becomes evident that she takes after her father – and that smile, now, that smile is something Caroline has never been able to properly guard her heart against. It comes as too much a surprise – her husband’s understandable, yet horrible attempt to spare her excessive pain, and it hits her like nothing before ever has. She doesn’t understand what is happening and why, and she doesn’t know how she supposed to get over it when she has only begun to become a better person, a bigger one. She is really not ready for the excruciating suffering that only loss brings; she thinks she just might crumble under the weight of it all. When Sarah grows cold in her arms, Dwight cries, but Caroline doesn't. 

Caroline never cries.

Not until she is absolutely sure there is no possibility of her being seen by any living soul while doing so. 

When she finally weeps herself to sleep after too many days of struggle and false cheerfulness, her stony facade becomes cracked, but she suspects she'll be better for it. For right now, her heart is aching too much for someone who doesn't have one. And though it is true that Caroline never cries, she has learned the hard way that there are certain people who are worth crying for, and she intends to keep those people close to her as hard and as long as possible. 

She is a selfish person after all. And one absolutely heartless at that.


End file.
